Everything You Know Is Wrong
by PikaScootaloo
Summary: It was the worst possible time to realize one thing: Noah is a Total Drama contestant, and he's been hoisted into Romeo and Juliet. It's times like this when you start to think that everything you know is wrong. Birthday fic and Summer Secret Santa fic for Slendie258.


_"Ah!__ there she is now_

_Thy hast no name for beauty_

_Than Bridgette, mine Love"_

* * *

Crumple.

* * *

_"Such beauty I see_

_Mine eyes see many a night_

_but none quite like you"_

* * *

Crumple.

* * *

_"Nay! shall it not work?_

_A ballad of gorgeous beaut_

_and a rusty song?"_

* * *

"My, that made little sense," Noah Montague sighed, crumpling up yet another piece of paper, throwing it into the reed wastebin filled with other crumpled haikus.

Setting his quill pen down, he gazed wistfully out the opening in the wall some might call a window. As the sun wasn't blessing him with the beautious light it always did during a certain point in time, he realized he had been writing for much longer than he thought. It was much later than midday, Noah knew, and there was so much chatter outside. He found it odd he was so invested in his haikus with this much squabble. Now that he noticed it, though, it started coming at him with double the necessary amount of irritation, especially once he knew exactly _why_ the increase in populous occured.

He groaned, turning his back to the wall. Surely, there could be some other thing to do than think of those others who felt the Capulet ball was the place to be, wasn't there? It wasn't like attending was an option or anything...

And yet, his two acquaintances Cody and Owen were attending, despite it being completely reckless to attend an enemy cotillion. Of _course_ they'd get caught. Of _course_ they'd be sentenced with some deathly sentence. Of _course..._

It was better than sitting here and romanticizing of something that could never be, no matter how hard his brain tried convincing his heart otherwise.

With another sigh, he leaned against the wall, wanting to think things through first. But no one can get what they want, it seemed. For Noah had forgotten that behind him was a large opening in the wall, and he fell right through it, landing in the bushes below.

It might have been a blessing in disguise. It could have been a signal to leave his home and attend the cotillion. Right?

But as Noah groaned in pain, any fleeting hope vanished.

This was going to be a disaster.

* * *

If he didn't believe it to be trouble before, he definitely knew it once he met up with his friends, who wasted absolutely no time whatsoever in literally dragging Noah to the feast/cotillion/ball (He made a mental note to find out exactly what the occasion _was)._

Once they reached the gates, Noah still looked unsure. "I don't know if it's wise for us to go to the Capulet feast. Besides, I don't feel much for a party." That bit was true, but then again, what _did_ he feel much for?

With a giddy smile, Owen shook his head. "Hush! We'll hear no more. It's just what you need to pep up your spirit. A few dances and then steal away."

Noah's eyes widened. "Oh, no! I certainly don't feel like dancing." Dancing was most definitely _not_ his forte. "And what if someone recognizes us as Montagues?" he added desperately.

Cody rolled his eyes, producing a mask from behind his mask. "Here, Noah, put on this mask. Then no one shall peg us for Montagues. Does that solve your problem."

No, it most certainly didn't. "It is not wise for us to go, Cody," he persisted.

"Don't be foolish," Cody said. "Who will ever know? Everyone will be wearing masks. We will look just like everyone else."

"I know, but..." But what? What would be a good enough excuse to get them to ditch this entire scheme? "But I... had a dream. Yes, a dream. I dreamt that I will come to an early end."

"That's nonsense," Cody scoffed. Darn it. "Come along, Noah. We shall be too late if you don't hurry."

With no other plan in mind, Noah sighed in defeat. "Oh well. I suppose there's no stopping you. Lead on."

"Let us go!" Owen chirped, leading the way into the ballroom.

It was quite a sight to behold. Everyone everywhere was all gussied up, wearing their costumes as if the greatest event in history were to unfold. To that, they'd be right.

Needless to say, Noah felt quite uneasy at such a large gathering. So uneasy that he opted to stay to the sidelines, allowing his friends to gorge themselves on punch.

Oh, what he wouldn't give for some familiarity.

Suddenly, a loud clinking sound echoed about. Everyone turned to the front of the ballroom, seeing Lord Trent Capulet preparing a speech.

"Welcome, gentlemen, ladies!" His voice was so smooth. Almost hypnotizingly so... "I have seen the day that I have worn a mask and could tell a whispering tale in a fair lady's ear, but now I'm too old. Come musicians, play! Everybody continue the dance!"

There were many an implication in those few sentences alone, but Noah paid no mind to it, for he had laid eyes on the fairest of all maidens.

Silky smooth golden locks. Skin pure as the moon itself. A swishing dress made by only the finest of fabrics. An aura shrouded in mystifying beauty.

She was truly a sight to behold. In fact, his instant love for her ran so deep and so quick, he had forgotten of his first love within an instant. What was her name... Betty? Brooklyn?

It didn't matter. No, what mattered now was finding out who this dazzling lady was.

He got the attention of a passing servant, asking him, "What lady's that which doth enrich the hand of yonder knight?"

The servant blinked. "Uhm, pardon?"

Right. His attraction had caused his words to become a bit... smittened. Pointing to the lady, he said, "Just who is that fair maiden?"

Eyes lit as he finally understood, the servant replied, "Why, that is Dawn, daughter of Lord Capulet."

"Dawn..." Noah muttered aloud, allowing this title for such beauty dance on his tongue. "I must speak to her. I must."

"But sir, she is a lady, a Capulet! And you are just a Montague!" Then the servant hastily added, "I could tell from your demeanor, yes, that you are a Montague. I'm sorry, but it just cannot work."

"It must," he said with much conviction. "It will. I'll go to her after this dance, where it will be just the two of us."

"That does not sound like a wise decision, my friend. Surely Dawn of the Capulets has much more to worry about than a Montague, does she not?"

Noah glared daggers at the servant. "This is _true love._ We are destined to be together."

The servant looked about to argue some more, but he ultimately sighed. "Very well. I'll leave you be to your young love."

He stepped aside, letting Noah take his leave. As soon as the Montague's form disappeared within the roaring crowd, the servant allowed a small smile to be placed on his lips. Not of sadism, but of innocent amusement, and... empathy?

Empathy?

* * *

Clink!

"Dawn."

_Clink!_

"Dawn," he said, a little bit louder yet still in a hushed tone.

_Clink!_

Just as he was running out of rocks, the door swung open, and out stepped the most gorgeojs girl he ever laid eyes on. She rested her hands on the balcony railing, saying, "Noah. Oh, sweet Noah. You have come!"

"You... know of me?"

"Ay, of course. Ever since I first laid eyes on you during the feast, I have learn of you and have been awaiting you. Please, speak."

This was it. This was _his_ moment. The moment that could make or break his entire life. Clearing his throat, he spoke. "But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is _t_he—_ son of a bitch,_ what the hell's happening?"

It was like a spell had been destroyed. No longer stood Noah Montague, son of Lord and Lady Montagues. No, who stood was none other than Noah, the Total Drama contestant who knew in an instant he _definitely_ wasn't in Canada anymore.

His swift mind immediately got to work. "Let's see... Dark at night, a garden, Dawn on the balcony of an old castle, Elizabethan outfits..." His eyes widened. "Oh crap, I'm in Romeo and Juliet."

"My love?" question Dawn of the Capulets. "What are these words you are speaking?"

And apparently he was the only one aware of this. "I must so politely request a rain check, _my_ _dear,"_ he said in his best Shakespearean voice, feeling himself throw up a little after the last two words. He rushed out of the garden immediately after.

Dawn was royally confused. "...Rain check?"

* * *

It was such a hassle climbing up to his bedroom window, but he couldn't walk through the front door. That just wasn't how the story worked.

After finally getting into his 'room', he surveyed the area. Of course, in this day and age, it was quite modern. But this just didn't help with his _little_ dilemma.

His eyes landed on the wastebasket full of crumpled up haikus. Taking a few out, he scanned over them, and he nearly barfed.

_"Bridgette?!"_ he spluttered. "Seriously? Was Romeo-Me hot for blondes or something?"

Tossing the haikus carelessly back to the wastebasket, he leaned against the window, his thoughts running wild.

This was all too much. Noah, being in a version of Romeo and Juliet with Total Drama contestants, with him being the only one aware... It was just insane.

And yet, something didn't seem right. Well, besides _everything,_ but still... something was off... Something...

Noah's eyes widened. "Aw crap, Tybalt's challenge."

* * *

The next morning, Noah arrived in the streets of Verona, only to see Cody and Owen chatting.

"Ah! Noah!" said Cody gleefully. "Where have you been? Came you not home last night?"

It took a moment for Noah to adjust to this olden way of speech. "Uh, no. No, I haven't. What happened last night?" Though he knew the answer.

"I spoke with your servant," said Owen. "Justin, the kinsmen to old Capulet, hath sent a letter to your father's house."

"I'll wager it's a challenge to a duel," Cody added.

"So? Will you accept?" Owen asked Noah.

_Of_ _course_ _fucking_ _not,_ he wanted to say so badly. But no, he had to pander to what was supposed to happen, even if he did alter it slightly by arriving.

Of course, it'd all be for naught, as Noah laid eyes on the form of someone very familiar...

The stranger's eyes locked on his almost immediately, though they were the only thing that could be seen, given the rest of the stranger was cloaked in a... well, cloak. Seemingly startled, the stranger rushed into an alleyway.

"Gonna have to take a rain check, see ya!" Noah shouted as he followed in pursuit.

Cody and Owen were royally confused.

"...Rain check?"

* * *

"Alright, there's nowhere left to run. Now just _who_ _are_ _you?__"_

The stranger surveyed his surroundings, but it was futile. He was at a dead end; literally. Nothing but brick walls stood around him and Noah. So, with a deep chuckle that was definitely masculine, the man finally revealed himself. "Hello, Noah."

"...And just who are you?"

The man frowned. "Don't you recognize me? Blond hair, blue eyes, being continuously screwed over by Chris since I'm an intern?"

"Yeah, not ringing any bells."

With a sigh, the man said, "Well, I'm an intern. Name's Billy."

"So I guess we've established that you have some influence over..." He made a sweeping motion to the olden setting. "Over _this?"_

Billy nodded. "Yeah, I've got a hand in it. But the only thing I'm really the cause of is your awareness."

Noah raised an eyebrow. "So you mean to tell me you brought me into this idiotic play?"

"No, no! Not at all!" he said hastily. "Something else, something omnipotent, brought you and a handful of others here. I'm just their messager boy."

Noah sneered. "How unexpected."

"You know, I'm starting to regret my decision now."

"Can't undo it, can you?"

"Afraid not."

"Good. So... exactly _why_ did you choose me to be aware?" Noah asked. "And how, for that matter."

"Honestly? I _really_ hate the Nawn ship, and I'm sure you do, too." Billy chuckled. "How, well, that's something I can't say. Just be grateful you _are_ aware."

"So I should be grateful for being the only one that knows I'm in a play. That's reassuring."

Billy shrugged. "I figured a smart guy like you wouldn't appreciate that ignorance is bliss."

"That I wouldn't," Noah nodded idly. "So... what now?"

"Whatever you want!" Billy exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. "It's your life! Okay, not _exactly,_ since you're living the life of a fictional character, which you already do, but that's your actual life, and things might be happening there you need to see and... you know what, screw it, just don't think about it and you'll be fine."

"I think I can deal with that," Noah said, turning away back to the town square. "See ya, Billy. I bet this is a thousand times better than working with Chris." With that, he left.

Even though Noah was gone. Billy chuckled. "Oh, don't worry. It definitely is."

* * *

By the time Noah reached the town square, it was already in the afternoon. That meant only one thing: a standoff between Cody and Justin. And as much as Noah would have prefered to get this scene over with, he still didn't want Cody to die, regardless if he was practically Mercutio in all but name.

As soon as Justin laid eyes on Noah, he scowled, pointing his sword right at Noah's chest. "Noah! Thou art a villain!"

Noah merely eyed the tip boredly, then looked up to meet Justin's eyes. "So I've heard. Listen dude, I don't _care_ about Dawn. As far as I'm concerned, you can have her."

Justin gasped, his hold on the sword faltering slightly. "She is my cousin! I would never defile the name of Capulet for someone so... her!"

"So why do you think I'm pawning her off to you?"

With another scowl, Justin raised the sword once more. "Thou art nothing but a villain, I must remember!"

This wasn't working, Noah knew. To really change this story up, Noah had to do something drastic. Something unexpected. Something he might actually _enjoy._

So with one swipe of his hand, he batted the sword to the ground. Before Justin could get his bearings, Noah held each of his cheeks, then brought him in for a passionate kiss.

Noah's pleasurable moans were reciprocated within the first five seconds, and as they finished, both knew they wanted more.

Noah beckoned Justin to follow him into the alley, intending for more than just a saliva-drenched kiss.

Once gone, Cody and Owen were at a loss for words.

_"What."_

* * *

"Doo bee doo bee doo bee..." hummed Billy, wearing a pink robe and holding a coffee cup and a newspaper. Walking back into the alley, he sat himself so comfortably on his lawn chair. Not a moment later did he notice Noah and Justin... uhm... wrestling.

Dropping both his jaw, his newspaper, and his coffee, Billy could do nothing but stare. Then, he started laughing. He kept laughing, not at all surprised that it didn't bother the boys.

"Oh-oh-ho man, oh my _god,_ yes! _That's_ how you live life, Noah! _That's_ how you enact my OTP!"

He stopped, his face blank for a moment. With a grin, he turned. "That's all, folks!"

Only Noah and Justin's moans could be heard over him, though.

* * *

A/N: Uhm... Yeah.

So, this is my Summer Secret Santa gift to slendie258, which also doubles as his birthday present! Hope you enjoyed, slendie!

So, I understand if this was super confusing. But what I was trying to imply was that Noah had no free will after all, instead having the controller switch to Billy (whom was the servant at the feast/ball/dance/cotillion (shut up, that's totally a word)), who was just able to write Noah more like Noah. Also, he ships JustNo, _**hard.**_

For reference, here's the list of who replaced what characters;

Noah—Romeo

Dawn—Juliet

Cody—Mercutio

Owen—Benvolio

Justin—Tybalt

Bridgette—That-one-chick-Romeo-was-mad-in-loves-with-before-seeing-Juliet

Chris—Lord Montague

Courtney—Lady Montague (because Chrisney is the most suitable ship to produce Noah (and yes, I know Courtney's Hispanic and Noah's Indian, they look close enough the same!))

Trent—Lord Capulet

Lindsay—Lady Capulet

And, while not appearing even in name, these are who'd be these characters:

Alejandro—Escalus, Prince of Verona

Zoey—Nurse, Juliet's nanny

Ezekiel—Friar Lawrence

Well, I hope you enjoyed this super messed up fic! I had fun writing, and I hope you had fun reading. Ta ta for now!


End file.
